Letter 08: Dear Comfort
Original Post Date: December 20, 2023
“You’d lay by side me for a while; cover me like a blanket. Then I’d turn over and you’d be gone. I never understood why. If I connected with you once why couldn’t you stay forever?”
Side A:
Dear Comfort,
It’s such a new experience for me to experience you so naturally and frequently. I’ve always found you more in other people than in myself. I found myself reaching out to things and people to create you in me. I’d spend hours trying to fabricate you. I’d search for any source within me to try and multiply it.
You’re so complex. Many of the feelings that I longed for before I could connect to a handful of childhood experiences. You on the the other hand were a combination of multiple situations. My anxiety, my body insecurity, my people-pleasing personality, my attempts to fit into certain molds, my previous relationships, my emotional expression, and even my fear of change.
It wasn’t until I started to uncover my true self that you’d live within me.
You’d lay by side me for a while; cover me like a blanket. Then I’d turn over and you’d be gone. I never understood why. If I connected with you once why couldn’t you stay forever?
I can’t believe how unnoticed you went in my present life, especially because of how absent you once were.
Before you were like a stylish winter coat. A seasonal piece that I’d bring out for the right occasion. Now you’re more like my favorite denim jacket. The one I’ve had for years, that I never want to get up. The one that I can throw on with almost anything.
The past couple of months have involved some difficult conversations and shifts in relationships. In high school, this would have sent me on a spiral and that’s if I’d work up the courage to leave.
Now, I feel so comfortable and confident in my character that I’ve stopped seeking it in relationships that don’t value my authentic self.
I’d be naive to think that at 21 I’ve only begun to see the experiences that will cause internal conflict. With that, I know there's potential that we will drift from each other again. At least this time I know that I can find you again.
Side B:
Dear Comfort,
You aren’t always the best companion. You provide support and ease, but you can also hold me back.
Do you remember that Summer when you left me? Right before a week-long camp in a brand new city, with unfamiliar faces. You vanished as soon as we crossed state lines into Missouri. I felt so alone that week.
I wasn’t connecting with anyone, which was probably a result of my lack of effort. Still, my inability to naturally connect with my peers was a foreign feat.
Eventually, my guard rolled down and my straight faces turned into grins and giggles. Most importantly, it felt like you had returned.
I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder. It’s strange; I had to lose you to normalize the process of finding you.
Without you leaving me I wouldn’t have put my fear aside to recognize the university I wanted to attend. The university that would that I’d spend 4 years developing into my current self.
There have been times when I’ve become too attached to your presence. Changing old ways to find new habits means meeting discomfort. I’m gonna call her your sister because you go hand and hand, to some extent.
Until this year I was opposed to inviting her in.
I’d use the same strategy to solve a problem like dating the same male archetype and being dumbfounded when it didn’t end in a relationship. At least with this method, the feelings were familiar.
You were by my side because I could predict the course of events. I love you but I grew tired of being left in the same predicament.
I wish this would stop happening. A phrase I proclaimed, but followed with no change of action. It got old, for myself and those around me.
I preached growth and learning but refused to apply my previous knowledge. As I started changing my behavior, I allowed discomfort to play her role and I recognized her ability.
It’s tough to sit in negative emotions and unfamiliarity, but the result on the other side was much better than staying stagnant.
I realized that there is a seat at the table for all 3 of us. Me, you, and discomfort. We make a nice trio as I continue to walk the path of developing into the woman I’m destined to be.
With Love,
Allie
Song of the Post:
BUSSDOWN is one of my new comfort songs. Jordan Ward has recently joined a list of artists that brings me peace. Listen along as Ward assures you that everything will eventually turn out alright.
