Letter 04: Dear Past
Original Post Date: Apr 12, 2023
“This isn’t goodbye; just a notice that I’ll have to distance myself from you. Some moments are too wonderful to forget, and some feelings are too crucial to erase. You’ll exist better with this distance. I won’t feel so confined by you and you’ll no longer consume my mind.”
If they gave out gold medals for overthinking I might just surpass Simone Biles. I often think about the what-ifs around situations that are long gone. Unfortunately, this deep thinking doesn’t do me much good.
As a deep thinker, I often relive childhood moments. I recite the words that were said. I risk reigniting hurt feelings. As I stepped into my 20s, I realized that I had to let go of this cycle. The first reason is, many of the situations on my mind weren’t even my own. As a child of divorce, I’ve developed a bad tendency to carry the burden of others. I’ve had to remind myself that decisions, although affecting me, were made without me. Despite my lack of agency, I’ve spent countless hours contemplating reworkings of the past. Through my journey toward fulfillment, it’s happened and there is no changing the events that have followed. The best option is to look to the present.
Dear Past,
Today I release you. Not all of you. Just the parts of you that hold me back. The traits in you that lead to overthinking. The ones that leave me confused. Why would they treat me like that? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why did that happen to me? What could I have done differently? How can I fix it now? As I move further away from the hurt you caused, I realize I’ve held onto moments, situations, and decisions that weren’t my own. Ones where I had no agency but have added to my list of worrisome topics. They only drag me down. I carry burdens that were never assigned to me in hopes of creating an alternate narrative. I blame myself for my inability to change you.
You’re like a friend that no one wants at the party but I force you onto everyone. You blur my perceptions. Everyone you brought with you obscures my interactions with those I meet now. I force people into molds that you created. In reality, they’ve done nothing to receive my generalizations. You’ve restricted my mind from believing in new possibilities. I’ve let you guide my present and future existence, as I feed into the hesitation you stimulated. My obsession with control exhausts me as I try to finish the narrative of stories that we’re never meant to be finished. The ink runs dry and I leave with the same chronicle I began with. I should be immersing myself in the ones that unfold right in front of me. I let the beauty of now pass me by because I feel compelled to figure out experiences that have fled. Maybe it will make sense one day. There's also a probability that I'll never fill in the blanks.
Dwelling in you can be so tempting. Maybe because I get to ignore my fear of fresh starts and avoid the anxiety of having no control. There are days that I’m bought to tears cause I wish I could travel to you. You hold the existence of those I’ve loved but lost. Some memories only exist in you. Life’s duality can be so funny. Memories can hold a positive and negative connotation. You can long for a moment and at the same moment wish to erase it from your memory. This isn’t goodbye; just a notice that I’ll have to distance myself from you. Some moments are too wonderful to forget, and some feelings are too crucial to erase. You’ll exist better with this distance. I won’t feel so confined by you and you’ll no longer consume my mind. I worked so effortlessly to change the past; unknowingly I was trying to complete the impossible. But today I accept that I’m not equipped with the powers to change you. Despite the distaste you’ve left, I know that essentialness exists within you. You’ll always act as a reminder of how to move forward, but no longer be a barrier to leading the life I want.
I don't mean to nag. There are a few things I can thank you for. I know that without you I’d have no present to bask in. Lessons, experiences, and moments from you have all led to right now. If I’d journeyed on different paths, I could be an entirely different Allie. I appreciate the woman I’m becoming every day. Part of the recognition goes to you. I can thank you for your reflective nature, on days that I doubt myself. I remember who I was in relation to you and recognize my growth. From now on I will remember you as a distant friend. I’ll flip through scrapbooks, scroll through pictures, and reread my diaries. Cherish the fun times. But I’ll remember the reasons that I had to leave you in a different season of my life. Obsessing over you serves me no good. Now I’ll get to know the present. I’ll make her my best friend. I’ll explore and appreciate her. She says she can help me figure out my next steps. She told me if I value her now I won’t miss her so much when she’s gone.
With Love,
Allie
Song of the Post:
I'm sure all of you are no strangers to SZA's "Gone Girl". This track, on SOS, captures the essence of moving on, as SZA commends herself for evolving into a new woman.
