Letter 11: Dear Confidence
If you’ve been following along on the Instagram page, you know that confidence has been a popular concept for me. Moving into womanhood leads to questions about decision making and where your life is headed. Feeling good about those two kinda requires confidence. As I’ve begun building confidence, I've gained a deeper understanding of how it and lack thereof influences our lives. I hope you enjoy my letter to confidence!
Dear Confidence,
Over the past few months I’ve had the pleasure of making your acquaintance. Learning how you fit into my life and figuring out what I need to make you a permanent structure. You’re quite the complex one, to the extent that I feel like you’re misunderstood.
Misunderstanding. The category that people latch on to you in hope of convery that they’re just so different. But for you, misunderstanding is born out of others beliefs of your manifestation
Walking up to a mirror with pride in its reflection, so much so that some may say you’re so vain. Strutting through a room with your head held up high and a confident stride. I, too, thought experiences like that explained your existence. And quite frankly, you weren’t something I was able to possess everyday.
Fleeting. Coming and going. Visiting and departing. Sticking just enough until a gust of insecurity came to blow you away. Threatened by the remarks and potential thoughts of others. Ones that really weren’t important but held a weight heavier than the beliefs in my own head.
There was no room for you to live within me when there was a constant battle of what I wanted to believe and the external thoughts that I deemed true. Everyone else’s ideas of me superseded my own. And the crazy part is, I had no proof to even confirm them.
Yet, I felt led by them.
Expectations. Perceived shortcomings. Judgments. I held them so close to the navigation center of my life, that I often wasn't even grasping the wheel. Living life on auto - pilot and digging a deeper hole of resentment that was due to burst If i didn’t grab the reins.
Everyone thinks that you thrive in the physical realm. Often confused with your sister, self - esteem But you run much deeper inside, to a place that births the decisions and aura of our life.
The strength you exhibit in our lives decides whether we live an existence designed by our own desire or one authored by the expectations of others. Our very fulfillment and happiness rest in our ability to accept you. And when you hear so many claiming that all they want is happiness, you’d think it’d be easier to let you bloom.
You probably feel discarded and forgotten as many take the path riddled with failed dreams and toxic cycles. But you don’t get it. You don’t understand how hard it is to steer from the path that’s been trotted before. The one that’s comforted by proven outcomes. You don’t understand the fear of being the first to do it. Stepping out on your own limb and adopting your opinions when it’s at the expense of being ostracized is terrifying.
Cause everyone thinks you live in stolen glances in a mirror and the ability to bravely walk out into the world, when you’re really defined by the decision to live life in your own lane.
You’re the decision to break away from the cycles that only result in hurt and regret, even when it leaves us alone and questioning. You’re the decision to not support the same fucked up morals that leave the different and despised feeling less than. You’re the decision to draw boundaries, in stone, if it means that your cup won’t constantly be drained.
It’s ironic that I still feel drained. Drained of every tear that comes with mourning my old behaviors and the realization that others don’t understand why you have to do it for you and not for them. Drops trail the curve of my cheeks and I contemplate if it’s right if it hurts this much.
Feeling like you’re letting everyone down when you’re only tryna pull yourself up. I don’t mean to sound so unappreciative, because I’ve seen the way you only bring good. Enriching every experience I take part in, because I know I'm doing it for me. My mouth no longer breathes reminders to soothe the souls of others but one’s that reflect the sentiments of my own.
The irony of needing you most when combatting outside expectation but having to enter solitude to find you.
Taking a step back from constant visibility to accept a new type of validation…my own. Forcing me to search for approval within myself, instead of in a like, a comment, or a share. Craving my own comfort with decisions instead of agreement from others. There I was facing my own reflection, as I chose what would define my journey.
I thank you for coming over me, growing inside me, and giving me the option to live my truth. Cause if you hadn’t I probably would’ve never taken control.
I wouldn’t say that we’re best friends, yet. There are still days I feel like I stray from you and pick-up old behaviors, when I should cling to you. But I can say that I’m growing to value more and more and I know one day you’ll lead me.
I hope that eventually every girl goes through the journey of finding you and making you a permanent force in their life. Learning herself and finding the bravery to put it on display. Because true confidence has little to do with the reflection in the mirror but the everything to do with the comfort we feel inside.
With Love,
Allie
