Letter 07: Dear 20
Original Post Date: August 16th, 2023
“With every passing day, you brought new lessons that I was forced to accept. I didn’t always want to and sometimes I still mourn the inability to force my life into the journey I had planned. But everything happens for a reason…right? As I step into my 21st year, let me tell you everything you taught me.”
Dear 20,
I can’t believe I’m saying goodbye to you today. The first year of what I consider adulthood has commenced. It’s funny how a year can speed past you but simultaneously feel so jam-packed. You brought smiles, tears, laughs, and even rage, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Now I feel prepared to step into womanhood. With every passing day, you brought new lessons that I was forced to accept. I didn’t always want to and sometimes I still mourn the inability to force my life into the journey I had planned. But everything happens for a reason…right? As I step into my 21st year, let me tell you everything you taught me
Some people are in your life for a reason and some for a season.
This was one of those sayings that I heard constantly from my mother and grandmother. Characters in my story caused me pain, but I was still trying to carve space for them. Pain and abuse don’t equate to love and care. Though the events of certain connections can be hurtful we have to understand they were probably sent to teach us something about ourselves. On the other hand, we have to navigate relationships that experience turmoil but demonstrate qualities that indicate significance in our life. This may be one of the most difficult dynamics to understand in your adult life because you have to be able to decipher between mistakes and blatant disrespect. Some people
Live life for you and only you.
This may be the most crucial lesson for adulthood. My outspokenness may shield the fact that I was a people pleaser for 19 years of my life. Unfortunately, I think black women fall into the trap of prioritizing others; a result of a long history where there wasn’t any other option. I knew that if I didn’t want to define my life, in this way, it was best to stop now rather than wait. This was no easy behavior to beat. I was so accustomed to considering other's opinions that it felt unorthodox to consider my own let alone honor it. It hasn’t been easy to ignore their beliefs and tell them that I’d walk my own path. There have been days I wanted to cave and go back to putting smiles on everyone’s faces. Then I stopped and realized that the 12 months encapsulated in you have been the happiest of my life. When I make decisions, I have no fear that I’m practicing self-respect. If someone else struggles with my choices, that really has nothing to do with me. People will project their own regrets and fears onto your confidence but that’s irrelevant to the direction of your journey, even if it does come from a place of concern. Learning how to set boundaries early will make it easier as situations grow tougher. And in my experience, if you have people who love you they won’t hold it against you. You may even inspire them to do the same.
I’m too young to center life around romantic love.
In this past year, you allowed me to disassociate and re-adopted my status of hopeless romantic. Navigating the complexities of dating in 2023 and the male mind is no cakewalk. It probably never will be. And I’m sure my counterparts feel the same for the female psyche. I knew I had to decide between unpacking my own internal questions and trying to navigate the depths of others. So, I chose me. As the months passed, my love for adrenaline almost allowed me to forget this necessity. Every time I said no. It eventually became easier to choose me every time. I will not disregard my own development to be engulfed in another’s. And remember sometimes there more value in knowing your wedding party before you know the groom. Never underestimate the power of Platonic love, as they’ll typically be the ones to help you accept some of the hardest lessons.
The absence of failure and emotion doesn’t define strength.
This one is pretty simple. You and I understand the events that transpired in the past 365 days. During my time with you, I shed plenty of tears. Sometimes they were over situations that many defined as meaningless. But because of every moment that predated you and every moment within you, they mattered to me. I cried, prayed, picked myself up, and kept moving forward. And In those steps, I witnessed the strongest version of myself.
The shift of dynamics is not the end of a story.
Some seasons are meant to be explored alone. You may be meant to distance yourself from people to understand yourself better. While the ones we love have a huge impact on our life it can also hinder us from making decisions from our most authentic perspective. I’ve had to walk situations by myself
You have to walk certain paths to reach your dream.
I have questioned why I was put in certain positions and offered certain opportunities when they did not relate to my passion. I felt frustrated and unworthy of the situations that I sought. we don’t know what an opportunity can offer before we experience it. As much as we strive to know everything, we don’t. This past summer I felt I was supposed to be interning with an advertising agency because that’s the field I desire to enter. That didn’t end up being the case. The internship that I landed in offered me much more than most of the roles I applied to, sparked an interest I had forgotten about and surrounded me with a positive environment for growth.
You can’t change people.
The last lesson you taught me has been in the works for many years. Trying to change someone is impossible and never worth it. You are the author of no one’s story but your own. Your responsibility is to communicate your feelings and watch for how people shift their behavior in response. Do not beg; do not try and try again. Instead, find those that respect your perception of events and implement actual action to improve.
Cherish your female relationships!
The women in my life have shown me so much genuine care and have given me many reasons to show them adoration. Beyond the women in my family, I have adopted sisters that demonstrate their love, support, and loyalty. The women in my life are the reason I know love. They practice what it means to go the extra mile. They are why I could never lose the value of sisterhood: They are my biggest fans and my biggest inspirations.
Well, we’ve had an enriching 12 months together. I wouldn’t trade this version of you for any other reality. That being said, it’s time that I say goodbye. I will blow out the candles and dim the lights on you. It’s time for 21 to step into the spotlight and see what she has to offer.
With Love,
Allie
