Letter 05: Dear Academic Validation
Original Post Date: May 10, 2023
“My confidence had suffered several blows and you weren’t there to comfort me. You offered me reassurance during times of stress. When other aspects of life weren’t fulfilling, I’d think at least I had great grades. Then I realized how toxic our relationship was. I’d obsess over you but when I didn’t perform perfectly you’d disappear. ”
I look down at my phone. The white and red Canvas notification flashes and reads “New Submission Posted”. Great the results from my most recent economics test are in. A subject that I couldn’t possibly care less about. I had lost all motivation to learn the material after week 3 of the semester. I’d leave all assignments to the very end of the week and focus on the classes that I really enjoyed. Despite a lengthy cram session before the test, my eyes were met with a score that was disappointing, to say the least. Here come the tears because once again I’d been depleted by my need for academic validation.
Dear Academic Validation
I’d be bold face lying to say that I’m excited to learn about material that’s pretty irrelevant to my career. Assignment after assignment. Discussion post after discussion post. Test after test. Academia could you please leave me alone? You’ve held me in your grasp for over a decade. Always participating in the most rigorous version of you. And of course, in middle school, you offered the best experience. I wasn't bored in class because I was actually being challenged. And certificates with shiny gold stickers were the perfect ego booster and often times resulted in some type of reward from my parents. You had me living the high life. Going to family reunions and having the elders awe over my academic accomplishments left me self-assured. “She’s smart and she’s pretty too” they would say as they prepared to take photos that would end up on Facebook.
I got to high school, and your grip tigthened. And I knew I couldn’t let go. Even though I did kind of say F you during the last semester of covid. Forgive me... we were at the beginning of the pandemic and I had bigger problems. Anyway back to your hold on me. It was in my best interest to stay tethered to you because this time it actually mattered. My connection with you would result in acceptance letters and scholarship offers. My freshman year of high school was the real beginning of our relationship. I was used to prioritizing school, so giving you all my attention was just what I did. I’d remain fixated on you. I’d base my contentment on whether or not my grades were perfect. I’d conditioned my mind to believe that anything below a B was unacceptable. Fortunately for my high school self, I upheld that standard. I’d continue to receive praise for my stellar performance. The recognition from my teachers made it easy to remain confident in myself. At the time, I thought nothing could break us apart. I mean I’d already been taking college-level courses.
And then I arrived at the University of Missouri and it started to feel like you were breaking up with me. I’d once looked for the rush of happiness you offered but It was becoming more irregular. I was stunned as I became more accustomed to Bs than As. My world came crashing down when the first C came. We had remained incredibly close because I was far from familiar with this grade. I’ve always gotten advice that college would be harder than High School. Out of all the conversations I had, no one offered any guidance about getting your first C. Therefore, when I was put in this predicament I was quite literally in shambles. Instant waterworks began as I stared at my Canvas dashboard. My chest grew tight and I knew that you were nowhere in sight. I quickly called my mom to assure me that my life was still intact. I’d spent my entire childhood seeking your validation. Up until college, I’d succeeded in receiving it, semester, after semester. Eventually, I’d get over this initial C. I told myself it had been a fluke. That it was just a bump in the road and that you and I’d be thick as thieves soon enough. Then came the next C. I was already drained by taking courses that I had no interest in, and now I was faced with a depleting GPA. A crisis that I had no solution for. My confidence had suffered several blows and you weren’t there to comfort me. You offered me reassurance during times of stress. When other aspects of life weren’t fulfilling, I’d think at least I had great grades. Then I realized how toxic our relationship was. I’d obsess over you but when I didn’t perform perfectly you’d disappear.
So I come to say that our attachment will have some new boundaries. As I’m reaching the culmination of my academic career, I’ve begun to see the danger of relying on you to assure me. In a year, I’ll walk across the stage and retire my identity as a student. After that, good grades won’t be a source of reassurance. Our connection is going to be cut loose. I've also started to consider how much weight you really hold in my life. No offense, but as a creative, the projects I produce provide so much more satisfaction. In high school, I worked on an essay for 2 years, but the feeling of launching my blog surpassed what I felt when I submitted that essay (by a long shot). I've also begun being brutally honest with myself. I don’t truly care about financial formulas, supply and demand, or balance sheets (I don’t understand why anyone does but whatever floats your boat). Now this doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop trying in the classes that aren’t enjoyable. Giving up would go against my upbringing. I give everything my all. What it does mean is that I won’t let a C (which is still average) send me into an existential crisis. I won’t let you hold the highest value in my life. I won't equate my worth to your presence; I’ve redirected my energy toward subjects that are more important to me. Now I seek out validation from areas that I truly love. I know that the passion I demonstrate will never leave me feeling empty. And on that note, I relinquish the control you have. Goodbye, academic validation.
With Love,
Allie
Song of the Post:
This week's SOP isn't directly related to academic validation but it definitely suits the culmination of another school year. In "Happy Feelings" Frankie Beverly and Maze are basking in the happiness around them. Now that the school year is over take some time and dive deep into the activities that bring you happy feelings.
